I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
