6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Did I show you my penis last night?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
