you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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