I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
