She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
