You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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