I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
