the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
