Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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