he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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