new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
