proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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