You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
