Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
