party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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