if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
