currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
