I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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