and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
