Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
A+ Viking dick
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
