I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
