What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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