I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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