Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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