So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
