It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Just puked most of my soul out..
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