There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Randomize
