Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
