im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
