I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
