is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
did i just pee glitter
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
