why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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