There was a lot of him and a little penis
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
