Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
