I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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