i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
