I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
