OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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