New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
