I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
