If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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