I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
