He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
