fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
