My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
