If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
