why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
