While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
