If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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