my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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