Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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