The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
