Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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